Saturday, March 10, 2012

why i need to be banished from time to time.

not related to this post, but had to share this sloth that visited us

Do you know what it is like when you have too much to ponder yet no time no space no opportunity to go that pondering place?

Sometimes I forget I'm an introvert. I am a mother, after all. And I live in community. As in, we are neighbors with the people we work with day after day. It's wonderful. It's hard. It's especially wonderful and hard because we are a multinational-multitribal community. But I digress. Sometimes I forget I'm an introvert because I'm constantly (constantly!) surrounded by people. Little people, big people, people I find easy to love and others who I have to choose to love.

The days pass by, and I feel I'm fine. But I suppose I don't give myself the opportunity to stop and really think about it.

Ah, but then. Then one day I wake up and my kids are suddenly asking waaaaay too many questions. I'm ready to build a wall around my house if I get one more knock on my door. And, bless his heart, Shawn's after-work projects don't feel like a blessing at all (did I ask for a new shelf in the bathroom?). I want everyone to freeze and give me the chance to fly away. Not for ever...but for a few moments. Okay, maybe a day. A few days?

Essentially, I wake up, and I realize it's going to be a lot of work to be a nice person today.

Have you ever been there?

Ah yes. Well that was me this week. It was a lot of work to be nice, and many many many times I didn't exactly reach the "nice" standard. I had to ask my children for forgiveness over and over...and over.

Shawn asked what he could do to help (as a fellow intuitive, it's hard to fool him! and I'm sure my snappiness was a clue too). I think one time I actually said, make everyone just go away. Everyone. (interpret, including the kids...and my trying-to-help husband)

Well, folks, I'm here to tell you that that is exactly what he did. Granted, it wasn't for a few days or even a whole day. But I had several very very VERY wonderful hours alone. I didn't even get a knock on the door.

Yay :)

Do you know what it is like can hear your thoughts again? When you can think? feel? ponder? I need that, people.

In college my dear friend Nancy would occasionally banish me to the woods and not allow me to return until I could think clearly again (interpret, be a nice person and not stress over stupid stuff again). She is a wise gal. The woods were the perfect place to banish me.

May I fast forward to today? Saturday. After having the chance to ponder a chunk of the stuff in my brain that sits on the pondering shelf, I could appreciate the important things once again: the sound of thunder in the distance as I coated potato wedges in spices and olive oil. The sight of tiny chocolate legs marching, buried in rain boots, through wet grass toward his papa. Water spraying my face as I shut wooden shutters, a domino of thuds and clacks. The pure beauty of a favorite song.

How do I keep myself here? In the place where patience is abundant and being nice is so much easier?

If only I could still be banished to the woods. :)


sarah in the woods said...

I'm surprised I haven't been banished recently. I sure wouldn't mind . . .

W-S Wanderings said...

I have, at times when I SHOULD be banished, told my children, with apology, that I just *cannot* be nice today; that for the time-being they are stuck with Grouchy Mama, and for goodness sake, STOP asking questions. I do what I can to take space (self-banish), but it isn't always possible. Ahh yes, the woods are lovely, dark, and deep...

//nancy said...

i miss you so. :) i'm afraid that if you came to visit i'd selfishly not banish you at all so i'm glad you're in africa getting what you need. hah. :) you're on my heart quite a bit my friend! hugs.

Courtney said...

sarah, wouldn't it be nice if we all had someone in our lives with the power and initiative to banish us when necessary?!

W-S, I guess Grouchy Mama visits us all from time to time!

Nan, I'd be okay if you banished me TO you... would that work? :)

//nancy said...

well, then, i banish you to me. ta-da!!! :)


House-of-Curtis said...

Niece Courtney: I can totally relate to needing time away from everybody. My self recharging zone is leaning against a pine tree in the mountains and listening to the sound of the wind moving thru the trees.

Sheldon Hoover said...

Courtney, wonderful throughts. If fact, I can identify and I would venture that my wife would give a hearty amen. It's 7 days till we leave to come visit and so much to do and yet my heart wants to process and ponder, yearn and anticipate.

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